logo

Today I have a guest writer on LHB called DTV. I could never come up with the funny stuff that this guy comes up with on a regular basis, so if you want to read more of his stuff, check out his blog at Don't Trade Vinny or his twitter. He's kinda like DGB, but only writes about a way more pathetic* franchise than the Leafs. Anyways, he's put together a list of things that Stevie Y should make his top priority.

Alright, Stevie, God we’re glad to have ya. But listen, there’s a ton of crap you’ve got to do, and soon. Just as a friendly help, I’ve put together a list:

  • First, just, do us all a favor, and send a mail bomb to Brian Lawton.  Once you see the cap situation, you’ll probably do this instinctively anyway.
  • Find a coach. Dave Andreychuk is a hero around here, and brilliant.  Al MacInnis was a complete stud.  Call up your pal Scotty Bowman. Hell, if you can handle both, we’ll give you a shot at that too.
  • Start limbering up, and calling the Vaughn representatives.  We need a goalie.  If that’s too much to ask of you, well, you can trade someone for one.  Just not Vinny.

traffic-cone-monster.jpg

Photo AP via theindychannel.com

  • Return the traffic cones to the Florida DOT, and find us some real defensemen.  I-275 has been a complete nightmare since Lawton stole them all.
  • Talk to Steve Downie, and figure out whatever medication he was on last season that finally got him to act like a sane human being while on the ice, and order at least 30 more refills
  • Stock up on white-out, and in the middle of the night one night, just change a few numbers or years on some of those contracts.  If you need help, call me.
  • Check out the safe deposit box under your desk.  That’s where Lawton let Rick Tocchet keep his secret stash of coloring books and action figures.  They’re all yours.  I’m sure your youngest would love to have them.

*It's going to take a while to get used to that the Lightning may one day not be a pathetic franchise